So what started me on thinking that I needed a place to vent, vomit, rage, cry, et al was this morning. I had the weirdest dream about this guy I used to hang out with. (And no I’m not stupid enough to name names).
In the dream, we were still friends, and I realized, that deep in my heart, I will always love the son of a bitch. I don’t want to, especially not after what he put me through, but, unfortunately for my soft-hearted self, there will always be a place in my heart for him. It’s not love in the way certain people I used to know implied that I loved him; that was simply passion talking, and we all know that passion eventually burns those consumed by it. However, in our own way, I believe we did love each other very much. The gods know that we knew more about each other than our significant others knew about us, and vice versa. For all I know, that love is what spurred him to hurt me so badly; he feared it.
Am I still furious with him, with what he did? I honestly don’t know. I tried desperately to swallow that entire experience whole, without digesting what had really gone on, without taking the time to really understand the WHY. I was too caught up in the WHAT and the HOW the fuck I was going to get through it. I can look back now and realize more of what was actually going on during that time. Hindsight is always 20/20, and now that time has passed, I’m able to view the full incident more objectively.
I do know that while I may always love him, I don’t want him back in my life. Ever. For all the times we shared, all it took was one incident, and my trust was broken. It would take several lifetimes to rebuild that which was torn apart.
In all honesty, when I think of him, if I think of him at all, it’s with derision and disdain, which in some ways is worse than hate. I can’t truthfully sit here and say I give a damn what he does, or how he does it, because I don’t. As long as he stays out of my life, I’m quite content with my lot. However, it baffles me that I hold him in such contempt, and yet can acknowledge that I will always care for him. *sigh* Maybe its hormones.