How did you find out about sex? From your mother? Your friends? Porn? A book? School? For many women of my generation, we didn’t get the “birds and bees” talk from our mothers. Discussion about sex was taboo, even among matriarchal feminist families like mine. Personally, I learned from my friends and older cousins, but most of it was after the fact, after I needed to know what was happening to my body. I remember one vivid instance of going to my eldest cousin in a panic because I thought there was something wrong with me. I was fifteen and had been “dry-humping” with my boyfriend. When I got home, my panties were damp. I thought I’d wet myself or something. My cousin explained what “getting wet” was, and I felt like an idiot. And sure, I had sex, and I knew what felt good, and what didn’t, but I didn’t even know where my clit was until I was in my early twenties. What Moregasm is attempting to do is make sure my experiences become the minority among women.
Tonight, with co-author and co-founder Rachel Venning in the house, quite a large crowd gathered at Bluestockings on Allen St. to hear more about Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex. And what was stressed the most? Love yourself. Figure out what YOU like. Enjoy the journey. The big “O” is not necessarily the point. Sex is a study of sensuality, of exploration of the body. Allow your pheromones to mesh, and focus on your breathing. You can have amazing sex without having an orgasm.
The most important thing, of course, is communication with your partner. Ask for what you want, and tell them what you don’t like. Own your own orgasm. Masturbate so you KNOW what you like. No one knows your body as well as you do, and your partner knows that. And be sure the communication works both ways. Ask them what they like, and pay attention to non-verbal cues like muscle-clenching and increased breath rate.
Sex is so important to us, as a species. It gives pleasure, it creates life, it’s an expression of love, it releases endorphins and releases stress, and, well, it’s just plain fun. A large part of our vitality stems from our sexuality, and yet we seem intent on labeling it, locking it in a box and keeping it under wraps. Why? Who cares if you had a vaginal or clitoral orgasm? Did you enjoy the sex? That’s what’s important.
The point is to never stop growing sexually. You may be in a place now where you prefer a vibrator to a partner because you want to explore yourself. You may want to play with gender roles or explore your curiosity for the same sex. You may be in a place where you want to surrender all control to someone else and experiment with BDSM. What matters in enjoying the journey, not to orgasm, but to finding out what makes you tick along the way, like rest stops along the open road. So take the first step and start riding.